How to Know if You’re a Slytherin in Real-Life

As most Harry Potter fans know, the Slytherin House has produced successful wizards, as well as evil ones. Yeah, Voldemort and Grindewald were awful. But Andromeda Tonks and Regulus Black were good-hearted.

Hey, Harry Potter fans! If you do any of these things, you might be a Slytherin!

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My friends who were sorted in Slytherin on Pottermore don’t feel bad about it at all. (That, in itself, proves they’re Slytherin through and through!)

What does it mean to be a Slytherin? Well, Slytherins are cunning. They can figure out how to navigate tricky situations.

Slytherins are ambitious. Merlin, who invented a lot of magic, was a Slytherin.

Slytherins can also be brave. I mean, think about Severus Snap!

Being a Slytherin isn’t all bad, I guess. If you’ve done any of the things I listed below, then you might be a Slytherin.

You wait until the movie starts to unwrap your candy, very slowly.

We’re looking at you, Grandma Black!

You place your Starbucks order on your mobile app while you’re sitting in the store, so your order is ready before all the people standing in line.

You shouldn’t keep Andromeda Tonks waiting.

You pretend to be your co-worker’s friend, then convince them to car pool with you, so you can use the car pool lane.

This has Pansy Parkinson written all over it.

You don’t want to pay for a New York Times subscription, so when you hit your limit of free articles, you clear your browser’s cache and keep reading.

Gregory Goyle would totally do this, if he could figure it out.

You use sign in and use someone else’s Netflix account. Ditto Amazon Prime.

Voldemort would force that weak Lucius Malfoy to cough up his passwords.

You buy Starbucks Via for the bonus star codes. Then re-package the coffee and resell it — sans star codes — at a higher price.

We don’t know into which house Mundungus Fletcher was sorted, but this has his sticky fingers all over it.

You let co-workers share your Dropbox account so you can steal their ideas and presentations.

As if Draco Malfoy could come up with an original thought on his own.

You reserve three tables through OpenTable every Saturday night, wait until the last minute to decide where to go, and don’t even bother to cancel the other two.

Nor do you care when they email you shirty reminders.

You don’t believe in spoilers. After you see a TV show or movie, you tell everyone what happens, no matter what.

And if you’re Bellatrix Lestrange, you do it loudly.

When someone shakes your hand, you don’t even wait until they walk away before using hand sanitizer.

Snape would throw in some side eye.




You volunteered to be Vice President of the PTO for the attention, knowing the VP has no real responsibility. But the following year, when it was time to step up to President, you begged off for “an illness in the family,” for
the sympathy.

What a Professor Slughorn kind of move, am I right?

You signed up for the latest 5K because of the cool moisture-wicking shirt. Rather than run the race, you secretly slipped your chip onto last year’s winner’s laces while they were in the can, they called it a tie and you snagged a medal too.

Just like Draco snatching Neville’s Remembrall from him.

You just flat out refuse to recycle.

Phineas Nigellus Black has a giant pile of butterbeer cans and pumpkin juice bottles in his neighbor’s back garden.

You downloaded a bunch of songs and apps, but decided you didn’t like them. You filled out a report on iTunes saying they were downloaded to your account illegally to get your money back.

Blaise Zabini gets down to Pharrell’s “Happy,” but doesn’t want anyone to know.

You use the express check out lane when you clearly have more than “about 6 items.”

Oh, Narcissa, who’s going to eat all those pumpkin pasties now that Draco’s grown and gone?

After Christmas, when you have too much trash and would usually incur an extra fee, you get up in the middle of the night and spread the trash around to each of your neighbor’s bins.

Or you make your house elf do it for you. Yeah, that’s what you do.

You carry a cane, just to get the sweet seats on the subway or bus.

Lucius Malfoy has been doing this stylishly for decades.

You visit interior decorating stores, snap pics and post them on Instagram as if they were your home.

Pansy is simply addicted to Decorating Cents on HGTV.

You bought tickets to Hamilton. And didn’t go. And didn’t give the tickets to anyone else.

Only Lord Voldemort himself would do something so evil! Shame!

Thanks for reading! Which Hogwarts house is your favorite? Tell me in the comments!


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  1. So funny! Would love to see the other houses too. And the Hamilton tickets….so cruel.

  2. Haha, these are too cute! And spot on too. I love the iTunes app one, I have friends who do that and they’re total Slytherins:P

  3. rktho

    Some of these were alright but most of these were just evil and I didn’t relate to them as a Slytherin at all.

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